Switching Off the Fury
Schuyler Waynforth wrote:Is there a pattern to the difficult days? Are you busier and more likely to forget to eat, are you more tired? Can you feel the tension building? If you can are there things you can do to alleviate it? Watch a movie, go through a drive in and get some food, do something slower for a bit.
I started out spanking. I spanked until Simon was 5 and Linnaea was 2. Spanking was all about my way and my frustration and my inability to seek out a different way. It was amazing when I stopped. It was hard not to turn to the quick solution that never solved anything and left everyone upset, me included, me, maybe the most. But it was amazing to have to expand into the vacuum left by not having that blunt tool in my toolbox. Both Simon and Linnaea grew to trust me. It took less time than I expected. They didn't want to think of me as a bad mom, it was easier to rewrite myself as a no-longer-hitting mom than I expected.
Two days ago I got irritated at David. And I raged at him for about 1/2 second and I stopped. I breathed and I apologized and it was gone. There is no way that I could have done that when Simon and Linnaea were little, not because of them, but because I hadn't taken the small steps to get from where I was to where I am. It took recognizing that what I wanted from them and what they gave didn't have to be different things. It took more and more seeing how much I enjoyed them and being with them and all that they did. As a side note, when I feel myself getting annoyed I find it helps a lot to just hang out more with them and appreciate them all over again. It took seeing that I didn't need to get to the end of a tirade to apologize for it. I could stop midstream. It took using Ronnie Maier's rewind and do-over requests and having two children who had the generosity to give me those momentary reprieves. It took doing better each time. It took looking at
the toll not doing better took. Simon would ball up and get smaller and smaller. Linnaea would rage back and scream and defend. Nobody heard what I was saying anyhow. My raging, my approach to problems didn't help anything.
I can remember talking about it, thinking about it, it was like a switch I could feel turning. I went from calm and in control to *switch* furious in no time at all. And I couldn't figure out how to not turn the switch on, to make the switch a thoughtful process. When it flipped the other day I felt it go and I stepped away and I turned it off. Most days I stop long before the switch goes. The thoughtful process was recognizing the grumpiness earlier in the day. Feeling a shortness that isn't normally there and doing things to respond to that like going for a quick breath outside or having a chocolate milk or a chai latte or something else that just ups my energy budget a bit. Taking five minutes to close my eyes and be still helps, too. Whatever works for you to buffer yourself is good. Come up with lots of little things.With an almost-four-year-old, little things and little moments are what you are most likely going to get.
It helps a lot to try for better moments not days. Don't judge a day by one upset, judge it as a bad moment and move forward. A little bit better each moment. A little bit more aware.
Schuyler, on Always Learning, October 2009
Esther Maria Rest wrote, on facebook, May 26, 2012 (Memorial Day)
At first I thought we should go out and do something somewhere today, to do some kind of 'activity', but then if I felt into what I really wanted it was just to spend time in the garden and with my boys, and they were fine with that. When we were all outside, one in the hammock, another one observing the frogs, and me weeding and planting I remarked on how quiet it is, and my oldest said, 'yes, but it is a very peaceful quiet'. And we all enjoyed our very peaceful, quiet day, studying what interests us, playing games, laughing, thinking, and just being quiet, together.
This being Memorial Day, and many people posting pictures of their grandparents/parents, I thought about my own grandfather who was banned from teaching at the university because he refused to join Hitler's army, shortly before they left Germany. And when later, being drafted in Italy and forced to join, he pointed his gun at the sky and never shot at another person. Both my grandfather and father have lectured and written books on Peace and Education for a peaceful world. And even though this peaceful day doesn't look like anything special, in this moment it was, and I remembered them with love and gratitude, and also those soldiers and civilians who gave their life and endured so much suffering because of the lack of peace in the world otherwise. They all did their part.
Back in the house, I came across this quote from Sandra Dodd:
Unschooling, in a very real sense, IS a mindfulness practice.:)
Being in the moment with our children, trusting the flow of life,
seeing our connections to them and to all of the universe etc...
I think my greatest breakthrough moment (or paradigm shift) was about
acceptance. In Zen practice, the idea is to simply notice things,
without all the judgement and preferences attached to the noticing.
Sort of like a reflecting pool.
If you can see the mess around you, feel some angst welling up and
instead of reacting to those initial feelings, you just notice the
angst. You notice your anger, your emotions. Kind of like a visitor
standing off to the side and watching.
If you stay with the feeling, just noticing that you are having these
strong emotions, pretty soon you'll find that the emotion subside
quite a bit and you're able to think more clearly about what action
would make sense in the moment.
I'm using chaotic mess as an example, because that's a trigger for me
sometimes..... what I've found is that whatever I'm reacting to, is
not really what I'm reacting to. Clear as mud?
Mess is not what makes me angry, it's feelings of being ignored,
undervalued etc...when I really examine it (how can they just trash
the kitchen when I just cleaned it up? Don't they care?)
There's always some underlying thing that is the trigger for the
emotion when I examine it more carefully. So letting the emotion
arise (don't fight it, don't tell yourself you shouldn't feel it,
that's trying to hard to control again), noticing it and just staying
with the feeling for a while.
I think in previous times, I was always fighting myself to try and
change. That doesn't work so well. Mindfulness does change what you
react to, but it happens so quietly and naturally you hardly realize
it. A moment happens that is so drastically different than how you
would have reacted in the past and it's almost like a slap (a good
slap) and you're thinking "WOW".
So accepting your emotions, feeling them, and staying with them until
some clarity swirls up is much better than trying to stop yourself
from feeling anger (or whatever emotion wells up).
I will always remember something Richard Prystowsky said about being a
peaceful parent on the tape from his and Sandra's talk a few years
back; something about the way to become a peaceful parent was to be
peaceful. There was no path, you just had to BE peaceful.
It's really that simple. Slow down and make room for peace amongst all
the mess and fun and tasks and STUFF. All of that daily stuff is your
practice, so make it peaceful and happy and there ya go!
Willa was worried about intellectualizing too much, and not being fully present with her young child.
Sandra:
Instead of saying "Come on, let's go!" maybe you could have picked him up and twirled him around and said something sweet and by the time he knows it he's fifty yards from there, but happy to be with his happy mom.
Here's an example: the other day, the kids (5 and 2) and I were shopping at Sam's Club. When we got to the checkout, the kids spotted a playhouse on display nearby, and ran over to it. It was near us, they went inside and were playing happily, but not too loudly. I did notice that while I was checking out, nearby mothers were looking at me, looking at the playhouse, looking at me, looking at the playhouse. I thought at first I was being paranoid but it was pretty obvious. I think they were waiting for me to say, "Get out of the playhouse, you guys," or else were worrying that their kids would also want to go get in the playhouse.
Anyway, both kids were wearing firefighter helmets. So when I finished checking out, I pushed the cart over by the playhouse and called, "Firefighters! Emergency! Load up! We have to go fight a fire!" The kids came swarming out, calling, "Fire! Fire! Hurry! Emergency!" and piled onto the cart. Then they made siren noises all the way to the car.
We were out the door before I thought, "Wow, that could have played out really differently." I might have done it differently a year or two ago. I might have gone over there all authority-figure (if I'd even let them be in the playhouse to begin with), and we'd have gone out the door crying. I had to practice, practice, practice. But on that day, it just came naturally to me.
Someone had written:
Don't wait for the "overwhelmed" thing to happen, take steps when you're feeling calm and centered.
Having many tools in your toolbelt helps...like the stash of toys, Pam's chopsticks, new games etc..., taking time to sit quietly with a cup of tea or a bath when everyone is sleeping, whatever feeds your
spirit so you can connect with your children from a loving center.
I have found that when things get tense, a short "meditation walk"
will really help re-focus my energy...or if the kids come along, we
all see new things, and find our joy again by being in a new setting.
Just a quick shift into a different place, or different situation can
really change the energy in the house. Going for a drive can do the
same thing. I have a big enough van to keep the children that are
having issues, FAR away from each other.:)
Being present isn't always easy, heck, I forget to listen to my own
advice at times!! We're human, we get cranky, we have hormones and
life issues and frustrations. Luckily, we also have an incredible web
of support (thanks to technology) and a chance to do better every day.
I wake up sometimes and really think about how I will respond THIS
day. Just today I'm going to be utterly present for my children, I'm
going to be in their world (not just doing my own thing while they do
theirs), I'm going to really hear them, I'm going to prepare myself to
be present starting right now. I drink my tea, breathe deeply of the
new day, think about preparing some yummy food they will love to help
start their day off on a positive note.
All this helps me really BE there when they awake and come out for
hugs. Those are the days that things really flow, that I'm not getting
as frustrated (even when challenges arise), because I've made a CHOICE.
Every day isn't going to be smooth...that's just life. But when we
choose mindfulness, choose to be present in each moment, choose to
prepare ourselves for the most important role in our lives...it's
going to be good.
Ren
For a lot of you, this is probably normal. But for me I'm still amazed at myself when I do it right. I've always been around very conservative, rigid homeschoolers, so I felt I was doing so good. It was easy for me to be the mom that said yes the most. But when I found this group, it was the other way around. I realized how much I was still saying no. I never saw that before. Anyway, today:
I'm outside reading — we've been having beautiful weather, and my daughter is outside also. She gets up, goes in and a little while later comes out with the TV. Instantly, in my brain I hear TV's don't belong outside, it'll get damage, etc. I keep quiet. She goes back in and returns with the DVD player. It's on the tip of my tongue, but I keep it there. She sets it all up on a table, gets a big umbrella, her little sisters, and they are all happily watch The Matrix Reloaded, and I'm smiling. So you know the old saying, "If you can't beat them, join them." Best thing to do. I've never in 45 years watched a movie outside. How nice. And one other thing. Six years ago or so she wouldn't have even thought of — no she might have thought it — but she never would have asked let alone just do it. Today, she just did it like it was the most normal thing in the world. I'm still smiling. Nice day. Thanks for letting me share.
Someone wrote to Pam Sorooshian on the side:
Just change the next interaction you have with the kids.
Stop reading email right now and do something "preventative"—
something that helps build your relationship with them. Fix them a
little tray of cheese and crackers and take it to them, wherever they
are, unasked. Sit down on the floor and play with them. If nothing
else, just go and give each of them a little hug and a kiss and say,
"I was just thinking about how much I love you."
Okay—so that is one good, positive interaction.
Again—just change the next interaction you have with the kids.
Focus on making the next interaction another one that builds up your
relationship. If the next one is because the kids are fighting, STILL
keep in mind that you want this interaction to do something positive
for your relationship with the kids and stretch your thinking as to
how you can make that happen. In other words, you kind of think from
their point of view about yourself. Consider what thoughts you want
going through their head. Do you want them thinking: "She never takes
time to even find out what the problem is?" Or "She always blames
me?" Or "She's such a hypocrite, doesn't want to hear us yelling,
but then she yells at us." "She hates me." And so on.
What do you want them to be thinking—what words (articulated or
not) do want tumbling around inside their head? Maybe "She
understands how I feel." Or "She really cares about helping us solve
our problems." Or "She is trying hard to be fair." Or "She's calm
even when I'm not." Or "Mom is the best listener in the world." "Mom
loves me even when I'm causing problems."
And, eventually, you want them to think like this:
There is no substitute for being authentically "there" for them—for
genuinely trying to help them resolve problems. For putting your
relationship with them at the forefront of every interaction, whether
it is playing together or working together.
None of us are perfect; we'll all have some regrets. But with my
kids 19, 16, and 13, I can now say that I will never say anything
like, "I wish I'd let them fight it out more," or "I wish I'd
punished them more," or "I wish I'd yelled at them more." I will only
ever say that I wish I'd been more patient, more attentive, more calm
and accepting of the normal stresses of having young children.
One interaction at a time. Just make the next interaction a
relationship-building one. Don't worry about the one AFTER that,
until IT becomes "the next one."
The conference recordings were available, too, you can check
liveandlearnconference.com and listen to the wisdom of many unschoolers,
talking about many topics; any of their voices will give yours a run for
their money!
I had a healing massage last week and I visualized my load of straw
being brushed off, so I was far, far away from *the last straw* in my
life. Small investment = HUGE return.
Thanks Sandra 🙂
The audio files are also stored (from years ago) on the Internet Archive in several formats: PeacefulParentingTalkdoddprystowsky, and you can listen there or download it for free.
Here is a readable version of my favorite part (about making choices). It's better spoken than written, but for those with emergency need for that part, Marta Venturini Machado transcribed a section:
Sandra Dodd:
But she would call and she would say "I was so angry about..." this or that little stupid thing, and I'd say "Ok, well you could do this or that or the other."
"Ok, thanks, good idea."
And the next day, she would call and go "That's just it! I can't take
it any more 'cause I was so angry..." and they were stupid things.
And I
said "You know what? Everything is the last straw for you."
And she
said "What do you mean?"
I said "It's like you have this big load of
straw and you take one straw off and then you feel better and you go
along until one more little thing happens and it's the last straw.
And I said "You need to spend some time unloading half of that straw."
Because, you know, she was like that all the time and she was 30 and
she didn't have a good excuse. So, if you don't have any peace in
yourself, how are you going to allow your kids to have some? Because
if you don't have any peace and you're angry and you're not sure why
and you're just waiting to see what made you angry, then your kids are
not safe, they won't have peace.
So, the first thing you do, if
there's a loss of cabin pressure, is put the oxygen mask over your own
face and then help your child. There's no sense shoving oxygen over
his mouth and yelling "Breathe, I said breathe!" when you're the one
who needs to be doing the breathing! So, every time you have a choice...
Do that with yourself too. You're pretty angry and your
adrenaline's upon you and you have about a half a second to decide
what you're going to do and the first two choices that come to your...
"Ok, I'm either going to do what I did the last time or something
better. I'm going to yell at him or I'm going to go in the other room
for a second." Go in the other room.
And the next time, maybe your
choice could be either "go in the other room" or "I'm going to take a
deep breath and make a joke about it." Make a joke.
And gradually and
incrementally you come closer to the place where you want to be.
Beause I don't think anybody can just jump from a lifetime of
responses and expectations and behaviors and just pick some other
person and just become that person. You can't do that.
But it also
does help to have other people around to model. Think... Either hang
around, really hang around with a family that you respect, and see how
they are with their kids and try to be more like that. Or even in your
imagination, you know, if you want to envision, depending how old you
are going to be, Ozzy and Harriet if you're really old and, you know,
or whatever nice tv family or literary family you want to be like. And
pick one that you don't want to be like, that's a legitimate-as- all-get-out use for literature is to have some good role models and some
cartoons to be avoided. You do not want to treat your kid like he's Oliver
Twist. So Oliver Twist is your extreme at one end; that's not right.
So get in your head some models and let that be your guide to be more
like.
Another way is to get witnesses. That's one reason people join
support groups and confess to their friends what they're doing,
because you've told somebody what your intention is. You've told them
what your problem is and what your intention is and now you have
witnesses and for some people that helps. Sometimes it needs to be an
imaginary witness, sometimes it needs to be a real witness. But maybe,
if it will help you, imagine that the friend that you most want to
impress is there and would you do it if they were there.
It was awkward. I felt foolish and stymied. But it helped me stop yelling. That "what the heck" moment started coming earlier, which meant stopping sooner. As I got better at stopping, I also got better at figuring out what to do next—rewinding a little and starting from a different perspective, usually. And I got better at figuring out what to do first.
Ultimately, what helps most to do first was not set myself up to yell—and that meant going back a few more minutes and noticing How things went wrong in the first place and changing those dynamics. Most of them were about expectations I had—kids should or shouldn't do some thing. As I worked through expectations like that, there was less to yell about.
So basically I worked the problem from both ends—I found ways for life to flow more smoothly for my family on the one end, and learned to stop and hush and start over on the other.
originally on facebook
Something that helped me many years ago, was from another Mom. She said that a child's wails, or screaming was her "cue" to turn on her very best Mom skills. There are many ways to re-train your responses in that area, but that helped me.
When my child starts screaming at me, it's my cue. That's the little "ok, I need my calmest, kindest, best responses now" start-up. It helps me detach emotionally and have the ability to respond calmly. I feel more like an observer almost, and the screams or words just flow over me rather than causing an emotional response of anger.
"Let the beauty of what you love be what you do." ~Rumi
Mindful Parenting: writing to accompany a talk given by Ren Allen and Sandra Dodd in 2005
Helping untangle fighting siblings
How to Raise a Respected Child
Do you worry about "spoiled" children ?
Pam Sorooshian and others on Saying Yes to children.
How children taught the mom a thing or two about peace.
"Stirring up Peace"—Unschooling articles with a spiritual angle
Dealing with Humor that Demeans Children
A Very Peaceful Quiet
"The more local and personal peace there is, the more peace there will be in the world. .....If we raise the level of peace our children expect, they will know what peace feels like."
Happy that my children know what it feels like daily, and I did as well.
Mindfulness
A mom wanting to become more mindful wrote:An idea just hit me—
Ren Allen responded:
maybe part of the problem is
not trusting MYSELF. That is huge. I believe that is a huge part of the healing, and
something Sandra and I talk about in that article mentioned...the
focus was about the healing aspects of unschooling.
Possibilities and Joy
Nobody's still and at kid-speed all the time. But if you can figure out how to do it sometimes, then you can choose to do it, or choose to go faster, but to bring him along in a happy way.
Willa:
I see—possibilities and joy rather than mental processing. I think I did end up doing something similar, but I probably could save myself some mental wear and tear by doing it more spontaneously.
Su Penn:
You will! I find myself now doing things without thinking about it sometimes, and realize I've created new reflexive reactions to certain situations with my kids. It's great! And it just comes from forming the intention and then practice, practice, practice.
In 2012, Lyla Wolfenstein shared this part on facebook, and there were two comments (Heather B. and Lyla):
"Instead of saying 'Come on, let's go!' maybe you could have picked him up and twirled him around and said something sweet and by the time he knows it he's fifty yards from there, but happy to be with his happy mom." Sandra Dodd
Heather Burditt:
This is exactly how we take Milo places sometimes. 🙂 I'm so glad she verbalized it. 🙂
Lyla Wolfenstein:
yep - exactly how i eased transitions for oscar too, when he was littler. and not even so little.
It's Going to be Good
I tend to "hide" from the kids when I'm overwhelmed and of course it's just a vicious cycle.
Ren Allen responded:
Being sensitive to stimulation makes it difficult as a parent....I think being very proactive in a situation like that really helps.
"...like it was the most normal thing in the world."
Janet wrote at Unschooling Discussion in late April, 2006:
There is no substitute for being authentically "there" for them...
I just forwarded a post of yours to a friend and thought I'd like to tell you thanks for writing it. It has made a huge difference in our lives. I've copied it below. That idea of just focusing on that one interaction just really clicked for me in a way that all these years of reading unschooling lists hasn't. I read it right at the end of an overwhelming and sad few months (people dying, moving, having major surgery) where I got really disconnected from my kids. Your words really helped me find my way back. All of us are happier people. And I talked to someone . . . who was similarly affected. Thank you!
Here is the post to which she referred:
Stop thinking about changing "for good and not just for days or
moments." That is just another thing to overwhelm you and you don't
need that!
"Mom will help us find a solution."
"I can stay calm like mommy does
even when I'm mad."
"I can listen carefully like mommy does when
there is a conflict."
"I can recognize feelings, like mommy."
"I can
come up with new ideas, like mommy does when we have trouble."
Peaceful Parenting (August 2002, Sacramento)
Diana Jenner wrote, about the Richard Prystowsky/Sandra Dodd talk:
Here's my testimonial: 🙂
This tape was the best money I ever invested
in my parenting experience! There is so much wisdom on that one little
cassette tape. I listened to it on the way home from the live & learn
conference in '04 - which was amazing and definitely a great annual
investment - just to have that tape with me when I need it; not just to
play in a stereo, but now to play from my head! Sandra's voice, even
when calling upon you to do the *hard* stuff, is a wonderful addition to
the chorus already there. While the other ones are screeching
justification for horrible mothering, there's Sandra, "Wait for the
second, better option" and I do, and the other voices get quieter and
quieter. Oh they're still there 🙂 but at least they now have
competition! I've read most of the books that Richard recommends, and
gained great insight into peaceful diana = peaceful family.
🙂 diana
I listened to Sandra's wonderful talk that she suggested to me and it really hit home. I love how she says that when you feel about to get mad, pull the child close to you, smell their hair and that this will connect you to who this little person is... I had tears in my eyes in many moments while listening to this talk. I highly recommend it to other moms. —catherine m forest, April 2012
Thanks to Lee and Lauren Stranahan, to whom I am grateful for time and know-how, the cassette tape was converted so digital format.
"Peaceful Parenting"
A Richard Prystowsky/Sandra Dodd talk at the HSC Conference in August 2002
Minute 33:13 to minute 37:23, transcribed by Marta Venturini Machado in April 2012 I have a story about my sister. My poor sister, you know
that's what she gets for being my sister. She used to call me almost
every day and she would just call and kind of complain. Her oldest kid
was older than mine so she should've known more, but she's younger so
she thought it was my job to hear her problems for the rest of my
life, and I still do my duty.
Richard Prystowsky: A common example. It's a common example. [Because he had used the oxygen-mask example in a talk earlier in the conference, but I hadn't known. 🙂 ]
Sandra Dodd: Every time you have a choice. You know, when you have little kids,
and you don't say "What of all of the clothing that we own or that I
could possibly buy at Walmart would you like to wear today?" That's
too big! But you say :"Do you want this red shirt or this blue shirt?"
and the kid feels like he made a choice and he makes that choice and
you gave him a choice and he's starting to practice making choices
because then he could also say "Neither, I want to wear that green
shirt."
Don't ever decide from one choice, you know, wait until you get two
and make the better choice. And if you think "Ok, I'm either going to
whack him or I'm going to yell at him, yell at him—that was the best
choice you had at that moment. And the next time, start with "yell at
him."
Meredith Novak responded in early 2016 to this statement: "Sometimes I don't think at all...and then it's too late for that particular time."
Maybe not quite. It helped me, back in the day, to notice that once I started yelling there's be this part of me saying, in my head "what the heck? this is all wrong..." I could tell this wasn't what I wanted to be happening. And I realized I had this idea in my head that once I got started I couldn't—or shouldn't—stop. So I stepped back from that idea and started catching myself mid-yell, stopping, and trying to find something else to do or say. And often that something was "I'm sorry, I don't know what to do, now" and taking a deep breath (that I probably should have taken sooner) and finding some other idea.
That's your cue!
Ren Allen wrote:
https://radicalunschooling.blogspot.com/
LINKS
MANY parenting topics, about food, sleep, media, sibling disputes, video games, honesty, teens...
This page was called "Peaceful Parenting," but someone has trademarked that phrase and threatened me with legal action. Not very peaceful. Still... I changed it.